I’ve laid the sheets carefully over the furniture. The spiders are weaving their webs. Walking down the hall has a hollow feel. I take a peek in all the doors one last time just to make sure I haven’t forgotten something I want to take before it’s gone forever.
As I walk through the empty house, sorrow overwhelms me. I slump to the floor several times, but I have to tell the old house good-bye. The tears stain my cheeks as I walk. But I am resolved. This is the right thing to do. I will be stronger when it’s done. It’s my choice, but not really my choice at the same time.
Yes you read that right. My words will be written here no more.. No more words written in the bright yellow daffodil filled place. I finally got the courage to look at Google Analytics. What I found is enough to convince me that it’s sometimes necessary and even good to retreat. Unwelcome guests have walked into my online living room and some have continued the attack that began many months ago.
I’ll be honest I was girding up to fight. This is my home after all and I have every right to defend it. I have a post written… I’ve always wanted to propel my readers to think. I thought about continuing because if you’re reading, there’s a chance God could use my words. But with some wise counsel from some dear friends, I realized this is no longer my fight. I have no desire to put myself back in the middle of it. I have no desire to play the game. Mostly, I have no desire to give more reasons to blame Shane and/or I. Sometimes one has to get out of the way so God can work.
I’ve chosen to retreat. The words I’ve written in this place always and over the past few months are my thoughts and I am entitled to them. In fact, I am still entitled to them, but it’s not worth it. Our life is moving on. We are healing and God’s blessings abound!
The fact is I wish I’d never driven by that building! I wish Shane had never called looking for more information. I wish we’d have never walked through the doors. I wish Shane would have never started preaching, or taken the position of elder! The sad fact remains. I wish we’d have never heard of them. Because 8 years was all one big lie! Yes, I realize that God had a purpose for us to be there. But my human perspective is skewed. 8 years! My younger kids don’t remember another church. In fact, my youngest doesn’t even really understand. It hurts me to watch her struggle. It hurts me to watch all of them struggle. 8 years of our lives, seemingly wasted…that’s more of what I’m grieving these days. But this I know! God can redeem the years the locusts ate! He’s done it before in our lives and I trust that he will do it again! And we’ve learned so much through this process. We’ve learned ultimately that our trust is not in man, for all men, save One are fallible. Our trust is in our Creator! THE Creator of all things.
I know there are many hurting, broken people there. Instead of hearing about God’s grace, they are hearing that they need to do better and try harder. They are given rules and lists of do’s and don’ts. And my heart breaks for them. Because mercy is found when we humble ourselves and run to Jesus. And sometimes it’s in the most unexpected places.
Mercy is preventing a man and a woman from eating fruit from the tree of life once sin entered the world.
Mercy is throwing a man in the sea to be swallowed by a big fish.
Mercy is sending a heard of pigs riddled with demons into a body of water.
Mercy is telling a woman caught in adultery to “go and sin no more”
Mercy is Jesus Christ on the cross for our sin when we deserve death.
Mercy is the Gospel.
It devastates me that instead of being led to forgiveness, this man listened to the droning voices, “you will not surely die.”
I know they don’t see it. I’m pretty certain they see us attacking their pastor and they don’t understand why anyone would do that. The manipulation, the condescending looks, and the tone of voice are not seen or heard. They may get a glimpse every now and then but dismiss it. And they definitely don’t see the compassion we have for those that are still in that place. Tears fall down my cheeks as I think about how misguided they are. I understand more than they know. When you’re in the middle of something it is difficult to see what is happening. Like the proverbial frog in the pan…they don’t realize…and the consequence of sin continues.
This blog. This place will be gone in August. homeskoolmom.com will no longer be my home. I’m moving out. Closing the door behind me. Stumbling as I go. Overwhelmed with emotion as I think about the years I spent in this place. The years I spent chronicling our life journey.
I’m sad that so many years of our life have been reduced to addressing the events of the past few months. There is so much more! In fact, I have have opened some of them up to share some of my memories in this place. They are only a snippet of the almost 1100 posts I’ve written.
I found online friends when I was lonely, with young kids living in a community where I knew no one. Some who became true, real life friends that I love dearly all these years later. Some that I haven’t known as long, but I still love dearly.
This is the place where I mainly wrote my thoughts about life as it came for this Christian wife and homeschooling, adoptive mom. The place where I chronicled Tabitha’s homecoming. Where I wrote about life and death. The place where I wrote Chip Young’s Gold Thumb. And where the dream of writing a book about him and his buddies was birthed. This Is the place where I realized I am a writer. Not just a blogger who writes.
I could be angry. And I was. Especially all those months ago. But I’m not anymore. I could be angry that I’m having to close up my online home, but I’m not. I mourn again. But more than that, I pity those that destroy instead of build up. And absolutely devastated that it is done in the name of my Savior.
The sad truth is this church is not healthy!
I continue to pray that they will get the help they need. I pray for repentance and humility. And if God doesn’t allow that, I pray that the church dissolve. Harsh? Not at all! Merciful? Definitely! If that happens, there is hope that they will find a gospel preaching church where they will be fed truth where healing and freedom can happen–if ever that happens, we’d love to rejoice with them! For that is truly our greatest desire!
God gave me the word Surrender this year. He knew I needed to learn about giving up my ways. He knows I need to give up control and trust Him more. Knowing that doesn’t make leaving I this blog easier. In many ways I’m kicking and screaming, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to leave! I’ve lived here a very long time. Hannah was about 7 years old when I began writing here. She just turned 21. Leaving hurts. But I leave with resolution to focus on and draw strength from my Savior. And also with wonder and excitement while I wait for the next thing. Maybe I’ll be able to carve out more time to work on that book! Because that is a story that needs to be written!
We are moving forward. It’s not been easy. It was downright hard to lose 8 years of what we thought we had in 2 days. But God has given us some awesome blessings in the months that have followed. Yes, there are times we still struggle. As happens in grief, reminders pop up when we least expect them. Times we have to catch ourselves and refocus on Truth.
And now I say farewell to this place, to homeskoolmom. To all the fond memories made and our life journey chronicled over the years. One last look over my shoulder as I walk away…the tears flow freely now, but I will be strong.
To my friends, thank you for spending time with me during the past 14 years. Thank you for your comments and encouragement. Thank you for the blessing you have been to me. May God bless you richly. May He keep you and may His face shine upon you until we meet again!
And to those of you that received a plethora of emails as I re-published some of the posts, I apologize. I couldn’t figure out any other way.
His Grace is always Sufficient,
This post, and the others, will remain active until August. This place is still my online living room. The door is open for you to read but I have adjusted my comment settings, if you’ve commented before you should be able to post without moderation. If you are not a friend, I will not read your comments. They will be marked as spam and deleted. In addition, by God’s divine providence, my email address was hacked, so it’s gone. Phone calls and/or texts will not be answered or returned. My blog, my rules…until the end.